| May 28, 2008 |
Well, well, well,
I know what you're thinking. Where the hell has he been for so long?
I have been amazingly busy with work, music, writing and, most importantly, my little baby girl. She is the apple of my eye. Whatever the hell that means.
First on the home front: My baby will be a year old next week. She has two top front teeth that are growing in. The problem is that when she smiles, she looks like Sponge Bob. Cute if you are a baby, but if it stays that way I don't think she's gonna get many dates.
Second on the livelihood front: I was dismayed to discover that I feel like I missed the entire year of my little girl's life. The only thing to do to rectify that situation was to quit my job for another with less hours and more money. Not an easy feat, but due to some will of the Job-Gods, I was able to do so.
Third on the show business front: I was offered then not offered a few TV pilots. I think the Job-Gods should give a good talking to the Show-Business-Gods. They seem to be slacking.
Fourth on the media front: Dr. Manuel Gomes and I have started a radio show based on our popular From Both Ends column. You can listen to the archived shows here.
Fifth on the music front (A-side): I have put my band, The Buzzcuts, in limbo for the time being. There just aren't enough hours in the day.
Sixth on the music front (B-side): I am still trying to get The Artisan Brothers to record an album. The only thing lacking is about 10 songs.
Seventh on the health front: I started the South Beach Diet in the beginning of March. When that is done, I will eat the North Beach. I lost about 15 pounds but the stress was too much to bear. One blustery night, they found me unconscious, face down in the local Krispy Kreme.
As usual, here is my promise to try to post more often. Hopefully, with more of my time freed up, I can keep it. But, if I can't, well, you know where to find me.
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| January 9, 2008 |
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Hello Humans,
I want to wish everyone a healthy and a happy New Year.
What I do not want to do is post anything about the stop smoking; lose weight; get a better paying job; listen to my wife; tolerate my mother-in-law; take a painting class; buy a puppy; volunteer at a soup kitchen; clean the garage resolutions people fail to keep year after year.
What I would like to give you all is the gift of music.
I am in the lucky position where people find me on-line, laugh, and then email me just to say hi. I can’t tell you how great that is.
One such person did that. She emailed me to say how funny the ad was and wanted to wish me well. We got to chatting, and I found out she is a motorcycle riding, singer-songwriter. A kindred spirit! Two of my own passions. Imagine that.
She gave me her website address and MySpace page link. When I opened it up, she had one of her songs playing. I immediately liked it. In fact, I liked it so much I ordered one of her CDs.
Her inspiration, she says on her site, comes from Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon, John Denver and other folk artists from the ‘60s and ‘70s. I am here to tell you that her music transcends eras.
I found her style to be broader than what she let on. When listening to her “Where’s the Moon” album, I got the distinct feeling I was listening to the love child of Michael Stipe and Natalie Merchant. Throw in her stepbrother Chris Isaak and you have what I consider to be an eclectic mix of folk/acoustic rock with intelligent lyrics and hooky chorus lines like, “In the company of friends, I feel strong, in the company of friends.”
Cyndi Fisher is this woman’s name. She has all three universal attributes – she is talented, cool, and hot (on her website, and one of her songs, she thanks her mom for her butt, which I consider to be, uh, well-rounded).
www.cyndifisher.com or www.myspace.com/cyndifisher
To my darling wife: If you are reading this, I will be home to clean the garage right after I stop at the store for some Nicoderm and Hoodia.
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| October 22, 2007 |
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Hey there,
Some items in the news recently (and my opinion about it):
News: David Copperfield was alleged to have raped a Seattle woman thereby having his Las Vegas house raided by police.
My View: David, the slogan isn't, "What happens to a Seattle woman, stays in a Seattle woman." Ah, it's all just a big trick anyway.
News: Legendary mime, Marcel Marceau, passed away a few weeks ago at the age of 84.
My View: Poor guy. He led such a quiet life.
News: NFL Roger Goodell sent a memo to all NFL teams prohibiting home team cheerleaders from parading around in front of the visitors’ sideline. He says it distracts the team.
My View: Roger just takes all the fun out of the game. Now Bill Belichick will have to video tape them.
News: Joey Bishop, one of the original members of the Rat Pack died on the 17th of October.
My View: Although long preceded by the death of his career, when it comes to the Rat Pack, Joey had the last laugh.
News: Kid Rock arrested after Waffle House brawl.
My View: You know you're getting old when… Actually I blame the establishment. They give everyone a carafe of coffee and then wonder why people are on edge when someone takes the last drop of Boysenberry syrup.
News: Researchers have identified a group of genes that not only prevent cancer but also slow the aging process in worms.
My View: PETA will be ecstatic!
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| August 16, 2007 |
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Hi all,
Elisha Cooper wrote, quite possibly, one of the best opening lines of any book ever published: There’s a head sticking out of my best friend.
This line, from the book: Crawling: A father’s first year, is Mr. Cooper’s humorous, touching account of fatherhood in the first year of a baby’s life. I have never met the man or spoken to him, and I am not getting any endorsing fees in any way. I just wanted to tell you that this book is a wonderful read for any man about to become a father
My little girl, Prudence, was born on Saturday, June 2. Fatherhood has pretty much taken over my life with a vengeance. I quickly realized that the tiniest of things this little girl does has a bigger impact on my life than anything I used to worry about before. Things just don’t matter as much as they used to when you have a child.
“The freaking check-engine light came on in the car today,” I said as I entered the house from a long day at work. “That means I have to write a check to make the engine light turn off. Sheesh, I’m just so aggravated. Like we can afford this crap. Not to mention I don’t have the time—“
“Honey, she smiled today for the first time,” my wife interrupted.
I quickly deflated.
“Aw, really?” I said. “I want to see. Make her do it again,” as if Prudence were a circus act.
I find myself anxiously anticipating all of her many firsts as she grows from babyhood; her first smile, the first time she rolls over, her first haircut, the first time I stand before a judge for beating the shit out of her boyfriend.
It’s a long road from childhood to adulthood and I’m so glad to be along for the ride. I just hope the check-engine light doesn’t come on.
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| February 28, 2007 |
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Hi Friends,
Sorry I have been out of touch for all these many months, but as John Lennon said--"life is what happens to you when your busy making other plans."
Here it is in a nutshell: I got laid-off, married, laid, laid-on, and am now expecting a beautiful baby girl. Life is grand!
I got an email from a girl named Sabrina, who was the only one who found the Easter egg on this site about my expecting a little bundle of joy. So, as not to spoil it for the rest of you, it will remain a secret. If you find it, you will know the due date and name we picked out. Happy hunting!
I want to leave you with this little poem I wrote. It's about love. It's about commitment. It's about picking the right soul-mate. But, most of all, it's about not being blinded by love.
The Cheating Poem
The price you pay
For the pleasures of flesh
Can be related to
The intensity of thresh
It may cost you dearly
Perhaps your life
If you were caught
With another man’s wife
But if you find
It works out
Where she manages
To divorce her lout
It won’t be him
Whom you’ll be dreading
When she says, "I do."
At your wedding.
See you all soon. Promise.
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| October 31, 2006 |
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Ladies, Which Bird is Your Guy?
Apes and gorillas are, physiologically, the closest animal to man. But, the closest living thing that Mother Nature has created upon which to judge the psyche of the average male is—you guessed it—the family of birds.
These fine, feathered creatures possess traits and insight to the man you are with. Just how foul is your fowl? Read below to find out which type of bird best matches your mate.
Eagle. Arguably the best looking birds out there, these majestic creatures thrive in wide open spaces. They are free-spirited, wild creatures with a zest for life. If your eagle just up and leaves you one day for the wide-open spaces of the dating world, reflect on how gorgeous he was, how much fun you’ve had with him, all the while consoling yourself with the fact that most eagles are probably gay.
Ostrich. We all know all about these flightless birds. These fast-running, somewhat homely creatures are afraid of their own shadow. While your guy might have good intentions and big dreams, he will never get anything off the ground due to fear and lack of confidence. You certainly could do better than ostrich-boy, but if you do manage to keep him around, make sure he wipes all the sand off his face before coming to bed and keep reminding yourself that someday he will make a great pair of boots and matching purse.
Lovebird. These birds mate for life. If you have one of these guys, you will never want for anything. They will dote upon you, preen you, snuggle up against you—constantly be by your side. This is a dream come true for most women. But beware. If your personality isn’t that of a love bird, too, then all of his love and affection will do nothing more than annoy the crap out of you.
Dodo. Stupid. Just plain stupid. Any woman will tell you this little known fact: They aren’t extinct.
Vulture. These birds of prey feed off of others. They are inherently scavengers that love to pick a carcass clean. You will know if you are with a vulture because he usually only comes out and circles around you whenever you get paid.
Hummingbird. Hummingbirds are the second largest family of birds in the world. They are all around us. What is unique about these birds is that they fly backwards and eat twice their body weight to survive. What this means is that you have a man that is insatiable, yet isn’t mentally mature. If your donut-eating, pseudo-adolescent flies the coup and you absolutely have to have another hummingbird, don’t worry. You can always find one of the 329 other species at the game store in the mall.
Parrot. Your friends love this guy. He’s great fun at parties, friendly, and playful. But, your friends eventually get to leave while you are stuck at home with this loud, boisterous, obnoxious beast that seems to poop only on your head.
Rooster. Probably the best mate you can find. If you have one of these—keep him. They’re prideful, easy-going and trainable. They don’t fly around and will eat what you give them without complaining. Besides, what woman doesn’t want a good cock?
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| September 29, 2006 |
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Hi All,
In answer to all the “where are you?” emails, I took a few months off to situate myself in a new home with my fiancée (Sheesh, I hate that word).
When one decides to delve into cohabitation with a lover after a few years of dating and living in separate domiciles, there will inevitably be culture shock. No matter how much you think you know the other person, you are on the wrong end of the stupid stick.
For instance, my fiancée likes a lot of pillows on the bed. I have no idea what a woman’s fascination is with tons of cloth-covered polyfill, but I have to say it borders on psychosis.
First of all, I have never been a big fan of foam pillows because they make my head bounce around like a superball on concrete, which isn’t very conducive for a restful night’s sleep. Because of all of the bouncing around during the night, I wake up with a huge headache. Once, I even got a concussion. Try explaining THAT to a doctor.
I like to sleep with one or two down pillows, with my head up near the headboard—a nearly impossible feat with a bed full of pillows. During the night I find myself sliding down the mattress and waking up with my feet sticking out of the covers at the other end of the bed. In my groggy, middle-of-the-night-where-the-hell-am-I state, I could have sworn I saw Kathy Bates standing over me ready to smash my ankles with a hammer and a two-by-four.
Another thing I had to get used to is the fact that my woman doesn’t like it when I throw out the plates and flatware after I eat. Apparently, there is something called a “dishwasher” and I should learn how to use it. She is so sarcastic sometimes. Like I don’t know what a dishwasher is. Sheesh, I had one growing up; I just called her “Ma.”
On the flip side of the coin, there are wonderful things about blending our lives. Like, I am now the proud owner of “The Magic Cupboard.” I write down what I want to eat, like Frosted Flakes or Nilla Wafers, on the refrigerator dry-erase board and a couple of days later the items magically appear in the cupboard. This alone is worth the price of nuptial admission.
This cohabitation thing will certainly take some time getting used to—like her freaking snoring, for instance—but it is a welcome challenge to figure out how to cope and compromise. It’s always good to write things down. It helps you to get a clearer picture of the harsh reality of living together, so you’re not off in some fantasy world thinking that things will iron themselves out; actually seeing your problems in writing will help you make more informed, rational decisions.
The next thing on my list is I have to figure out is how to make The Magic Cupboard get rid of all those damn pillows.
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| June 19, 2006 |
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Attention please...
Ahem.
I got engaged over the weekend.
I know, I know. Shut up.
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| May 10, 2006 |
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Hey kids,
Mostly, when I post something here, I try to tickle your funny bone with something humorous about everyday life. But, this time I’d thought I would share something cool instead.
Chris Cihlar, author of, “The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 Other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever,” is selling the first ever copy of his book on eBay.
This book is very well written, and a total blast to read. But what’s REALLY cool is that this first ever copy has a bunch of signatures from the various people that are mentioned in the book; the one’s who have achieved fame through their own personal auctions throughout the years on eBay. To top it off, all the proceeds from the auction goes to charity.
Chris and I have been in contact for over a year regarding this book and I do have to say that “The Grilled Cheese Madonna,” should be regarded as the definitive collection of eBay wackiness (myself included). So if you are looking for an altruistic purchase, by all means bid on this book. If you cannot afford to bid on this signed original, you still owe it to yourself to pick up a regular copy.
FYI, Chris isn’t paying me a damn thing to say this. He's a talented author with a great book for a worthy cause. I wouldn’t be posting it if I didn’t feel it was worthwhile.
Just buy his damn book. (And mine, while you’re at it. :-))
Ciao for now,
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| April 4, 2006 |
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Hey there Sapiens and Sexuals,
I wanted to refrain from posting anything until after April Fool’s Day. I guess I was afraid I wouldn’t be taken seriously. (Insert laugh track here.)
There are a few things going on right now that I am very excited about.
The first thing is that author Chris Cihlar’s new book “The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever” will be coming out in May. I received an advanced copy of the book and I have to say that, not only is it extremely entertaining, it is meticulously researched. I gotta tell you, people are freaking nuts. Pick up a copy of it. There are banners on this site for it, so check it out. (While you are at it, buy my book as well.) Kudos to you Chris!
The second thing on the list is I have gotten a lot of emails asking for a spoken word version of my book. I am very encouraged by the responses I have gotten from different record labels and people, so I am happy to say that this is in the preliminary stages and a CD version should be out later this year. I’ll keep you posted.
Last, and perhaps the thing I am most excited about, is
Dr. Manuel Gomes, a licensed therapist specializing in sexual health and relationships, and I are teaming up for a new entertaining, informative and controversial advice column. It has already been picked up by a newspaper in the Pacific Northwest, and hopefully will be coming to a paper near you. More details will follow as soon as I receive them.
Motorcycle season is upon us, so I just wanna tell all you riders to keep the rubber side down.
Later,
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| February 20, 2006 |
Hello Happy Humans,
Married women from all walks of life eventually face a crossroad in their marriage. They ask themselves, “Should I stay married to this man?”
The thing to do when this crisis arrives is assess the problem. Look at your husband’s behavior in certain situations. Does he do the things you would expect him to do? Does he measure up to what you thought a husband should be?
I have come up with a test that all married women can take to find out if the man they married is actually worth staying married to. Just write down the letter corresponding to the best answer and total your score up at the bottom of the test.
Ready? Here we go.
1. When you are both at a party where you don’t know anyone, your husband...
A. ignores you and goes to mingle with his friends.
B. introduces you to everyone and stays by your side all night.
C. has to coax you out of the closet.
D. has to somehow get you away from that young, good-looking heir to the billion-dollar shoe store fortune and get your clothes back on without causing a scene.
2. It is date night. Your husband...
A. falls asleep watching ESPN’s SportsCenter on the couch.
B. takes you out on the town—dining, dancing, drinking, and romance—all night long!
C. makes sandwiches for you, your mother and your friends for your impromptu candle party.
D. takes you to the emergency room to get your stomach pumped from all the valium and alcohol you consumed at Chippendales.
3. You decide you want a pet for your birthday. Your husband...
A. cuts out a picture of a cat.
B. surprises you at work with the most adorable puppy you have ever seen.
C. stocks up on his allergy medicine and buys a case of vacuum cleaner bags.
D. sleeps on the couch the first few nights so you can snuggle up with the jockey you took home from your birthday bash at the race track.
4. Your husband is late coming home from work. He calls...
A. you from the nudie-bar and tells you he’ll grab a bite there.
B. you twenty times, apologizing for screwing up your plans and swears he’ll make it up to you this weekend.
C. your mother to tell you he will be there as soon as he can. And he’s bringing home three new walkie-talkie cell phones—one for each of you.
D. the mall and has you paged.
5. You tell your husband you are ready for a family. He...
A. gives you Season 1 of the Sopranos on DVD.
B. makes an appointment with Planned Parenthood and starts painting the spare bedroom.
C. is elated because he knows this means he will actually have sex.
D. checks the calendar to see if the local NBA team has a home game about the time you are ovulating.
Add up your scores with A=0 points; B=2 points; C=1 point; D=3 points. See how your husband fares with the scores below.
0-4: Your husband is the stereotypical male. Your mother’s mother married one. Your mother married one, and you married one. He ain’t so bad. Suck it up.
5-10: Your husband genuinely loves you. He will be there for you no matter what. He will hold your hand and nurture you. He will help you through the tough times in your life and guide you through your maturation as a woman. But once menopause hits, you’re on your own.
11-14: Your husband is a wonderful man. He has no faults. He is the yardstick for a perfect man. Keep him at all costs. Even if it means waiting on him hand and foot, kissing the ground he walks on, and making him feel like the king that he is. You ain’t getting a better guy on the planet. He is a saint. No, really.
15: You are a bitch.
Ciao,
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| January 26, 2006 |
Greetings Gnashers and Noshers,
Is it just me or is Jared the Subway guy putting on a few pounds? It’s my contention that’s what happens when a regular guy gets some sort of fame—he starts putting on weight. Hell, I put on twenty pounds since the whole eBay thing. (Between you and me, that damn dress is getting a little tight.)
I seem to be getting larger by the day. I can’t tell you how many lawn chairs I’ve broken. I don’t get invited to garden parties anymore. (Of course, it being winter may have something to do with it, but I digress.)
I made a bet with my girlfriend last month that if I lost 40 pounds, she would quit smoking. Great! I only have 45 pounds to go.
It’s getting so bad, I can’t fit in my skin. And no matter what I do I just can’t seem to lose it and keep it off. I’ve tried all the over the counter diet pills but they don’t work. I did, however, lose some weight using prescription meds, but they had a bit of a nasty side effect. I don’t think it’s healthy to lose twenty pounds through rectal bleeding.
I’ve found out first-hand that the only thing one loses when opting for diet pills is money. You would be better off to take the money you would spend on those pills and buy an exercise bike. But make sure you get one with a basket on the handle bars because it will eventually wind up being the most expensive clothes hamper you will ever own. You can use the basket for the whites.
There are many diet fads out on the market now. The most famous ones are the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet, and the Sugarbusters diet. These all may be great, but I think the best diet fad is the Shut your pie-hole, get off your fat ass and take the stairs instead of the elevator diet.
The only other option is to resign oneself to the fact that you will always be fat. While not the healthiest of options, it does make for an easier time at the buffet table. Plus you could always get one of those t-shirts that say, “I’m not fat. I’m American.”
All this talking about dieting is making me hungry. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Subway. They have a “buy one; get one free” deal going on.
~Larry
PS: Uh, exactly how DID Jared lose that weight eating at Subway?
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| January 3, 2006 |
Happy New Year!
Every year at this time we all undertake that thing I like to call “The Big Lie.” I am, of course, referring to that age-old tradition of informing everyone on God’s green earth that we have made a New Year’s resolution that we will never, ever keep.
I thought that I would take the time to give you some pointers on making those little statements set you up for success, rather than the inevitable failure. The trick is to really narrow your focus on your commitment.
For instance, a lot of people say they resolve to give up smoking. This is a tough task, and, more often than not, people never fulfill their promise. But, if you qualify the resolution in a framework it is much easier to reach your goal. Instead of saying, “My resolution for 2006 is to give up smoking,” just add the qualifier of, “while swimming.”
It works for other things as well. “My resolution this year is to only have two fingers of Scotch a night instead of three.” The qualifier is to make Aunt Gert’s chubby little digits the yardstick instead of your own. You get roughly the same amount of alcohol albeit in a different package. See? Simple.
This one is for the guys. We’ve all said this one at one time or another—“My resolution is not to argue with my woman.” We all know this never pans out. But if we add, “while I am sleeping,” then you WILL be able to keep your resolution, thus giving you an added boost to your self esteem, a more restful night's sleep, and an all around happier relationship. Trust me, it will make for a better 2006.
Well, I gotta run right now. I’m on my way to Aunt Gert’s house with my bathing suit and some Sominex.
Happy 2006,
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| December 3, 2005 |
Yo Yo-yos,
I trust everybody had a nice Thanksgiving. It’s a really warm and fuzzy holiday, isn’t it? Only in America can you sit down to a great dinner with friends and family professing your love for the world one day, and beat the shit out of the guy that took Wal-Mart’s last iPod Nano from your shopping cart the next.
Ah, the Holidays. It’s such a lovely time of year. From Thanksgiving to New Year’s Eve; five weeks in our lives where we just go off the freaking deep end. We start out the five weeks spending hundreds of dollars on turkey and ham dinners. Afterwards, we complain that we spent too much, we made too much, we ate too much, and if we eat one more goddamn leftover turkey sandwich during the week we’ll throw up all over our keyboards. Then, approximately four weeks later, we are ecstatic to do it all over again.
With every Thanksgiving feast across the country, there is always one guy (usually it’s Uncle Monty), who automatically becomes a chemical engineer and starts spewing the effects of tryptophane on the brain.
But, what gives us Americans our 40-day dementia is not the tryptophane. It’s actually another little known chemical called triptothemall. This is when the trouble starts.
We will buy anything and everything for people we don’t even like. During the year we will drive around for an hour searching for gas that is a penny cheaper, or not biggie size the Wendy’s because the 49 freaking cents doesn’t fit into our budget, but we will charge our credit cards up to the max to give people expensive crap they will never, ever use. You see? Dementia. Can you tell me why the hell you bought Grandma “Grand Theft Auto?” She doesn’t even have a goddamn Playstation.
Our psychotic behavior continues when we go to get that beloved icon of Xmas, The Tree. Forty-seven weeks out of the year we support Greenpeace, spout our concerns over global warming, and preach to all about the effects of losing the rainforest. But once the post T-Day Delirium sets in, we go to the nearest woodlands and chop down the biggest freaking tree we see that will fit in our living room. Then, as if this craziness wasn’t enough, we will wrap this dead piece of wood and its drying leaves, with thousands of hot, little, electric lights and cords. And to top it off, where do we put this nice, pretty fire hazard? Next to the fucking fireplace. How’s that for idiocy?
So, the week after the tree fire, the gift tossing, and second expensive turkey-pooping feast, what do we do? We culminate the lunacy of this five-week festival with picking the last day of the year to get schnockered, shout epithets at Dick Clark, and make asses out of ourselves to the world. There is nothing like starting the year out with a giblet-induced upset stomach and the hangover from hell.
I don’t know about you, but this is my favorite time of year.
Happy Dementia,
~Larry
PS: A bit of advice - exchange Grandma’s Playstation game for a tennis racquet. She’ll love it. But, remind her not to jump the net. She could break a hip.
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| November 5, 2005 |
Hi FoME (Friends of ME),
This is from The-Truth-With-Jokes-And-Footnotes Department:
I have received a few emails inquiring about Al Franken.
“You know Al Franken?”
“What is Al Franken like?”
“Is Al Franken as funny as you?” *
Well, I don’t wanna brag, but Al and I go way back. I remember that fateful day, when Al and I met, like it was, oh, say, Halloween of 2005. We were having a joint book-signing in Town Hall in Seattle. He was signing his new book, "The Truth (with jokes)," and I was signing my book, "Bitter, Party of One… Your Table is Ready." **
He came over to me during a break and said, “Hey, Larry, *** you know what would be really funny? If you took a photo of me holding your book. People would think that I
don’t really know you. Can you see the irony?”
“You know, Al, that is just so effin’ funny. You are brilliant. Well, ok. Let’s do it.”
So, I snapped the photo of him holding my book.
“Al,” I said, “you are such a great humanitarian.”
“Oh, Larry. *** Don’t lie. You are starting to sound like those big fat idiots who are lying liars.”
“I’m not a liar, Al. You get to the truth. And you do it with jokes. You ARE a great humanitarian. And doggone it, people like you.”
“You know, Larry. *** I suppose you are right.”
I pointed at him, raised my eyebrows and countered, “But, NOT right-wing.” ****
We both had a hearty guffaw over that one.
_____________________________________________
*Ok. I made up this last one. (Much like the rest of this story.)
** He signed about 500 copies of his book. I signed one copy of mine. The one I gave him for the photo.
*** That’s what he calls me. He calls me “Larry.” That’s because, you know, we are such good friends. Me and Al.
**** Speaking of wings, turkey or otherwise, have a great Thanksgiving.
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| October 3, 2005 |
Hello Fellow Denizens o’ the World,
I had the great pleasure and honor of, once again, being on Keith Olbermann’s show Countdown on MSNBC this past Friday. Because there was very little lead in time and therefore no chance to let everyone know about it, I thought I would post the transcript for your viewing pleasure. So, without further ado, here we go:
OLBERMANN: ...Just because in Larry Star‘s new book, the third name on his list of acknowledgements is MSNBC‘s COUNTDOWN, that doesn‘t mean we‘re going to put him on the show to promote the book. I mean, besides tonight.
Our number one story on the COUNTDOWN, would you take dating and relationship advice from a guy wearing his own ex-wife‘s wedding dress? This guy. You may remember him as the jilted gentlemen who tried to sell his ex‘s bridal gown on the internet auction site eBay. The bidding, as with all highly publicized auctions, got a little out of hand. One offer, $99 million. Most bids were not surprisingly fake, and Larry was stuck with his taffeta
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
OLBERMANN: Do you re-list this thing? Do you wear it on stage with your band? What do you do with it?
LARRY STAR, AUTHOR: You know, I was actually going to use this forum to sell this beautiful wedding dress. Used only 6,000 times.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
OLBERMANN: That was more than a year ago, and he did not sell the dress, but he is selling advice: relationship advice. His new book is entitled “Bitter, Party of One, Your Table is Ready: Relationship Advice From Advice From a Guy Who Has No Business Giving It.” Larry Star, welcome back.
STAR: Mr. Bloggermann, thank you very much.
OLBERMANN: So, this 15 minutes of fame thing sure went a long way.
Did you need to keep your day job?
STAR: I still have my day job, and I hate it.
OLBERMANN: So, now it is writing advice. Let‘s get right to some of it here. The dating courtship stage: “If you know you are going to do something that will upset your woman,” you write, “you‘d better be sure it‘s worth the trouble.” When you say “upset your woman,” you mean what?
STAR: If you‘re going to do something you know will piss her off, you might as well piss off her entire family to go along with it. I call it the Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid tactic. You know you‘re going down, so take down as many of them as you can.
OLBERMANN: Your thoughts on marriage include the following observation: “You will never win any argument if you are naked and your antagonist is not.” That sounds like it is based on bitter personal experience.
STAR: Well, you know, when you come out of the shower and you go to the fridge and you reach for the butter and the woman is standing there behind you, arguing with you, no matter how big your point is, in full-frontal nudity, you will never, ever win the argument. You‘ll always get deflated. Pardon the pun.
OLBERMANN: No matter how big the butter is. Some may agree with you on the observation on the divorce process. “Attorneys have no sense of humor or as the comedian Ray Goulding once put it, they do have a sense of humor. A sense of humor like a bankruptcy referee.”
STAR: That‘s true. I asked my attorney when writing the book if I could put in his law firm, and I asked if I was going to get sued, and he said, “Well, you can use it, but they won‘t think it‘s funny.” And I‘m like, “It is funny.” But, you know, apparently attorneys have no sense of humor. And if they do sue me, refer to the point that attorneys have no sense of humor.
OLBERMANN: That‘s right and perhaps you might catch one of them naked with butter in his hand. So, throughout this whole process, have you heard anything from the ex?
STAR: No, not at all, and I want to keep it that way. So, don‘t tell her about it, OK?
OLBERMANN: All right. Well, she‘s probably not watching. But what‘s next for you and what‘s going to become of that dress?
STAR: Well, the dress is probably going to go curled up into a ball and thrown in a garbage bag and stuck in the bottom of my closet until my next appearance here. But, you know, I figured I would like to come on this show with, like, one shred of dignity. You know what I mean? At least once.
OLBERMANN: That would make one shred of dignity between us.
STAR: But I‘m writing—I‘m in the middle of writing another book. As a matter of fact, I‘m thinking about teaming up with Tom Delay and writing a book called “It‘s Not Really Money Laundering.”
OLBERMANN: Larry Star, the genius behind “Bitter, Party of One, Your Table is Ready.” Pleasure to talk to you again, sir, and all the best. Maybe you could cut up the dress and sell it on baseball cards, game-used uniforms. That just occurred to me. Thank you sir. That‘s COUNTDOWN, I‘m Keith Olbermann. Keep your knees loose, good night, and good luck. Our coverage continues on MSNBC now with “RITA COSBY, LIVE AND DIRECT.” Good evening, Rita.
See youse all later,
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
|
| September 26, 2005 |
Greetings,
I don’t want to make light of the terrible natural disasters that happened in the Gulf coast, but I do want to give you my “Funniest Newscaster of the Year Award.” It goes to Shepard Smith of Fox News.
Fox News was providing coverage during Hurricane Rita. They were shifting back and forth between Greta Van Susteren and Shepard Smith. Greta was in a rain slicker and ball cap with nary a dribble of water on her. She spoke of how strong the winds were and how torrential the downpour was—then they cut to Shep Smith in Beaumont, Texas.
That soaking wet guy was fighting the storm with everything he had. He went from holding onto a pole to plastering his ball cap on his head, all the while trying to maintain a shred of dignity talking into the microphone. He was continuing to do the hat/pole game when he was outwitted by the wind and his hat went flying 50 feet behind him. They cut back to a dry Greta and she had that who-farted-in-the-elevator look.
Then they did a split screen with Dry Greta on the left and Super-Soaked Shep rolling down a grassy knoll on the right.
As if his tumbling down a hill while clutching a microphone wasn’t enough to make me split a gut, ol’ Shep managed to fight his way back in front of the camera with—get this—HIS FREAKING HAT!
No sooner did I stop convulsing from laughter, Rita took a deep breath and aimed it right at Shep. You would have thought Shep was doing his best giant zit impression because his hat popped vertically off his head; straight up in the air about fifteen feet. You know damn well at that point Shep said to himself, “Ah, fuck it.” He never lost that microphone, though.
My sides hurt and I couldn’t breathe anymore so I changed the channel before I saw Shep get electrocuted.
I am now Shepard Smith’s Number 1 Fan. Even though Rita put him on his back, he was definitely the last comic standing.
Speak to ya soon,
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
|
| August 28, 2005 |
Hello there,
For me to say that this whole wedding dress thing was
just amazing is a gross understatement. It has
completely permeated our culture. There are so many people that think of that original eBay auction whenever marriage, divorce, eBay, or wedding dresses are mentioned. Here is a sample of what I mean:
I received an email from Karen Dunnam, who told me all about her sister’s wedding. The subject line of that email said: "This is all YOUR fault!"
Click the individual words (Oh My Freaking Goodness, below) to see what I mean. (Dial-up users, please give it time to load.)
Oh.
My.
Freaking.
Goodness.
All I can say is, at least I wore clothes underneath. You just can’t make this stuff up. (Thanks, Karen, the shoes had me rollin'!)
I get a lot of emails that ask me the same questions.
1. What is the book about?
2. Why do you still have the dress?
The first question can be answered by going to weddingdressguy.com’s sister site,
www.bitterbooks.com, and clicking on the
FAQ link.
If you go to the "Appearances" page of
weddingdressguy.com
or
bitterbooks.com,
you will see when I will be heard on the radio, as well as where I will be signing books. I am sorry to say that no book tour is scheduled as of yet. When something does happen, I will have it posted on both sites.
To all of you that bought my book, thank you so much. I hope it made you laugh as much as Karen's photos did.
To all of you who didn’t buy my book, please do so immediately. The fate of the free world, as well as my sanity, may depend on it.
Smooches to all the chicks and a hearty "How's it hangin'?" to all the dudes.
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
|
| August 4, 2005 |
Hello Dear Constituents,
I want to share an email I received from a Mrs. Clifford in Boston, which was really quite entertaining. (It was a far cry from the usual,
“You suck, you fat bastard!” emails that adorn my inbox on any given day.)
It read:
Greetings,
I represent my office's contingent of concerned ebayers.
We loved your style; we loved your dress, now we'd like to know
what you got out of this mess.
Did you really make some money?
Are ya glad you did this, honey?
We need to know. You must admit
you've left us hanging, you can't just quit.
Please, sir, please; an update is wanted
to keep our ebay spirits undaunted.
And if, of course, you made out well...
did the wifey get some? O no! O hell!
Respond here to me if you dare
but the Mrs. is in title only so beware. :)
Many thanks for making some of us in a busy blah and
boring office in Boston smile more than once.
My reply to her:
Well, Mrs. Clifford,
Even though my whole dang marriage was rotten,
Yours was the most entertaining email I have gotten.
So, you wanna know what happened with the gown
Who got what, and what went down?
If you go to weddingdressguy.com and take a look
You will read all about this poor schnook,
Who tried to hock a bit of his past
And got a big fat swift kick in the ass.
I leave you now with one last rhyme -
I didn't get a freaking dime.
Please tell all your friends to buy my damn book!
Thank youse.
~Larry
PS: From the Things-That-Make-You-Go-Hmm Department, Spellchecker
sees “ebayers” as “beavers. A damn coincidence? You decide.
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
|
| June 27, 2005 |
|
Hi Kids!
Today is a red-letter day for me.
The book is finally available for all to see. I have to say the process was interesting and fun.
Much like countless other people, I have always wanted to write a book. I have started quite a number of them, but much like my sex drive, they all petered out at one time or another, so I just never finished them. I want to say thank you to everyone for his or her support, emails, and encouragement. It was all of you that gave me the motivation to see this project all the way through to the end. And I have to say it was a blast to write.
Sometimes I think the book wrote itself, as some of the chapters had me rolling with laughter. There were so many times I would sit down to write something funny for the Larry Line, but it would turn out so good that I figured I would include it in the book instead of the website.
I hope that whoever buys the book enjoys it. That was my sole intention of writing it – to make you laugh. I suppose a naked picture of me would do the same, but it wouldn’t be as fulfilling (to you or to me).
The book is available on the publisher’s website for the first month or so, then it will be available on all the major on-line stores including Books-a-million, and bn.com. The extra time is needed for the distribution channel to make it available to the other sites and for them to have time to add the book to their catalogs. The online stores update their sites independently of one another and that’s why there is no set timeframe when it will actually be in all of them.
On another note, I am stoked to be mentioned in People Magazine, but on the flip side of that, I wish they would have mentioned the book - or this site for that matter.
Again, thank you for laughing at me.
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
|
| June 13, 2005 |
|
Hi Everybody,
I have been diagnosed with a rare psychological disorder. At least I think it’s rare. If people have it they sure as hell don’t show it.
I have logolepsy.
logolepsy
n. - an obsession with words
Why is it that we can be disheveled, but we are never sheveled? Do you ever go to work sheveled?
We have met people that were maligned, but have you ever met anyone that was ligned?
I don’t know about you, but there wasn’t too much or too little on my plate today. I am just whelmed. (Actually, whelm is a word. It means to cover with water; submerge. I suppose we could say Phuket was whelmed.)
What I am trying to get at is that the English language has many idiosyncrasies. The main one, for me, is that there is no word in the English language that means, “to give drink.” We have a word that means, “to give food,” which is obviously “feed”, but no word do we have for giving drink. Therefore, I propose a new word to our ever-evolving language -
florn
v. – to give drink
Just think of it! We could revolutionize our language with one simple word!
“Honey, I have to go to the store, could you be sure to florn the cats?”
Or, “It’s time for little Eddie’s six o’clock florning.”
Or, “I’m going to florn everyone here in the bar! This round is on me!”
This practical little word (that I made up) can also have a practical little history (that I also made up): Florn, from the Old English word, flourne, which means, “to water the closet.” This could also be the made up origin of the British term, ”water closet.” Drunken Englishmen with bursting bladders thought they were in the bathroom, but in reality they were urinating all over Granny’s corset in the hall closet. (Why Granny’s corset was in the hall closet we’ll never know. Maybe she was upstairs florning the gardener. Maybe the Drunken Englishman was the gardener.)
So, remember, use florn as part of your every day vocabulary. Together, we CAN make a difference.
On another page (hahahaha, I just kill me), my agent informed me that the book should be at amazon.com and BarnesAndNoble.com early July. I am hoping the cover comes to me this week so I could post it for you.
Well, I must go now. I am just parched.
Luv youse all,
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
|
| May 13, 2005 |
|
Hi All,
I have one word for you: Paraskevidekatriaphobia. This is a fear of Friday the 13th. I can’t believe they actually have a name for this.
While I do have my fears—height, marriage, humus, and a huge fat guy on a US-bound flight from Mexico taking 20 minutes in the only airplane lavatory with me next in line—this is one complex I certainly do not have.
While trying not to make light of people’s phobias, I have to say that only in the English-speaking world do we have morons who actually believe this crap. I don’t know about you, but this morning I stepped on every crack in the sidewalk while walking under a ladder with a black cat crossing in front of me after I smashed a few mirrors. See? Nothing happened to me. No big deal. It’s all baloney. Friday the 13th. Hmmph!
I got a few emails asking me my take on the Jennifer Wilbanks story. For those of you not familiar with it, she’s the Georgian woman who disappeared a day or two before she was going to be married.
First of all, she needs to do something about her thyroid condition. That bug-eyed photo of her plastered all over the media is just horrendous. Can you tell me why, in every single case of a person’s disappearance, do they always publish the worst possible photo? Didn’t Jennifer’s fiancée have a better freaking photo? Her damn driver’s license had to be better than that. Sheesh. Oh, wait a second. I just had a thought. What if that photo WAS her best photo? Oopsy, sorry there, Jennifer.
Another thought that occurred to me is that she got cold feet and ran away because she happened to get an advanced copy of my book.
Speaking of my book (helluva segue, huh?), it has gone through the editorial review and passed with flying colors. I expect it to be available at Amazon and BarnesAndNoble.com at the end of June or beginning of July.
The title of the book is (drum roll, please)…
Bitter, Party of One… Your Table is Ready:
Relationship advice from a guy who has no business giving it.
Please check back here soon for more info on the book. When the cover gets approved I will be posting it here.
I gotta go now. I have a lot of things to take care of today. Plus, I’m not feeling too well. I think I’m coming down with something. To top it off, the cash machine ate my debit card, my truck had a flat, my key broke off in my mailbox, and I cut my hand on the broken mirror shards. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Later,
~Larry
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
|
| April 12, 2005 |
|
Greetings and Felicitations!
I have just finished the FINAL final draft of my book. It is now in the hands of the editor. I sure hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it.
So, after I finished typing the last word, I got up from my computer and went to the fridge for a snack. I grabbed one of those Hershey’s pudding snacks that come in a tube.
If you’ve never seen them before, it’s a 10-inch tube filled with chocolate pudding. You tear the top, put it in your mouth, and squeeze from the bottom like a tube of toothpaste.
As I’m squeezing the chocolate goo out of the tube, my hand slips. I punched myself in the mouth and the chocolate pudding splats out all over my face. Brown-nosing at it’s finest.
If that’s not funny to you, then let me relay another story from a friend.
He was feeling a bit under the weather last weekend so he went to the doctor to get a prescription.
Usually, he has a little daily pill organizer he takes with him, but he was running late to work on Monday, so he just grabbed all his bottles (vitamins and the like) and shoved them in his bag.
Tuesday, he was feeling tired and listless. He cited work overload, and the medication ramping up to take effect, as the logical reasons behind his weariness.
By Thursday he was close to just passing out at his desk.
Friday he realizes he grabbed the wrong bottle and has been taking his wife’s muscle-relaxers all week.
Remember to keep checking back here periodically for news about the book, and other crap.
Email me if you so desire: horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
Thanks for lis’nin’.
~Larry
|
| March 15, 2005 |
|
Hey Friends,
It’s been a while since I’ve said hi to everyone. I have been working hard to finish the book. I was going to say the title but I was told to keep it under wraps at least until the galleys are done (That’s book-lingo for a type of mock-up).
What the hell is up with all the damn spam in the guestbook? My web guy is losing sleep over it. Actually, he is losing sleep over his baby, but I like to think it was this site he was losing sleep over.
Speaking of my web guy, I went to a computer store with him the other day to get a hard drive that was on sale. They, of course, were out of it. So, for the next 20 minutes, my web guy verbally beat the assistant manager into customer-service-skills submission. We never got the hard drive, but I think he gave the assistant manager an aneurism.
I want to say hi to Bonnie at forwardeasy.com. Out of tens of thousands of emails and almost 18 million hits on my original eBay ad, she was the only person to figure out my little inside joke. Not even my closest friends got it. But I am not telling you what it is. Neener, neener, neener!
Below is the interview I did for .NetMagazine in the UK. Love those guys.
Enjoy!
~Larry
1. How did you come up with the idea to put the wedding dress on
eBay? And why did you wear it?
A consignment shop didn’t want it so I figured I would try eBay (after I was talked out of burning it). I threw the dress on a chair to take a picture of it to put on eBay, but I thought, “This looks like a freaking shower curtain.” So I hung it in the bathroom over the tub, took another photo and thought, “Why, yes. Yes it does look like a shower curtain.” I then realized I needed my auction to stand out from the rest of the thousands of other dresses being sold on eBay. So I thought I would put it on. Hey, Milton Berle made a career out of wearing women’s dresses, so why not me?
2. Was it really your ex-wife’s dress? How much did you bend the
truth? Do you think it’s okay to ‘take some liberties’ on eBay as
you told the press?
Yup, it was an ex’s dress. (I’ve been married so many times the license is made out to “To whom it may concern.”) If you really read what I wrote you will see that it is very car salesman-like. Kind of like a fictional J. Peterman ad for clothing in a Seinfeld episode. I wrote it in a blue-collar conversationalist tone. Although it was satire, mostly everything I wrote I actually went through at one point in my life or another. I ain’t exactly batting a thousand in the marriage department, you know.
3. How important is a good story on eBay?
Funny you ask that. I did the pictures for my friends mostly to get a laugh. But what caught on with everyone was the commentary. I have gotten so many emails saying the pictures caught their eye enough to want to read what I wrote.
4. Who bought the dress in the end? Did you ever get any money at
all? (‘absolutsth’ didn’t pay, did he?)
No one bought the dress. The winner said it was a joke and eBay couldn’t do anything about it. If I sell it now it would be like selling the Golden Fleece. (Some Golden Fleece – it’s rolled up into a ball in a backpack on my bedroom floor.) Actually, I’m into this whole wedding dress thing for about a thousand dollars. I was whisked away making appearances all over the United States. I had to take time off of work, and although flights and hotels were paid for, I still spent money I didn’t have. Plus, the website we put up got almost a quarter of a million hits in a month’s time. That bandwidth cost me an arm and a leg that first month. But thanks to the kindness of the people that loved the ad, coupled with them wanting to see me succeed in a career where I make people laugh, I got so many donations that we got the site paid for a year. What site is that you ask?www.weddingdressguy.com of course!
5. Why did your auction attract so much attention?
It goes back to hooking people with the image of this fat guy in a wedding gown. Wedding gowns are traditionally worn by beautiful women on the most important day of their lives. They take the time to pick out just the right gown. They spend time making themselves look just right. Have you ever seen an ugly bride? (I mean, besides me.) It’s feminine. It’s dainty. And here I am like a bull in china shop desecrating the very essence of “The Bride.”
Also, what I wrote seemed to have hit home to a lot of people. I never realized how many people were in miserable marriages, or went through horrible divorces. It’s my contention that people think if I can make light of my terrible relationships, they can too. It gave people an outlet. It said to people, “Hey, my marriage sucks, but it’s ok! I can laugh at it today. Tomorrow I’ll get a divorce, but today - today I laugh!” Misery loves company, you know.
6. How has life changed since you put the dress on eBay?
Now I can finally get a freaking date! It took me wearing a dress to get a chick to go out with me on a Saturday night. These are the same chicks that wouldn’t give me the time of day six months ago.
All kidding aside, people recognize me now. My band gets a few more people to the shows now. What band is that you ask? The Buzzcuts, of course!
(www.thebuzzcuts.com)
I also signed an option with a Hollywood producer to make a film based on the wedding dress auction. (Crazy, huh?)
Writing is so much a part of who I am. I’ve written things from fiction to humor to poetry and song. The best thing about this whole experience is that I am so much closer to realizing my dream of being a published author. I am in the middle of writing a book based on the whole eBay auction. I’ve gotten no less than four thousand emails stating that they would be first in line to buy a book if I ever write one. Will it be funny? You bet your sweet bippy, it will. By the way, what is a bippy?
The bottom line is, even if these things never materialize, I had an amazing experience and met so many wonderful people all over the globe – people I would never have had the chance to meet other wise. For that I am so grateful.
7. Have you got any advice for people who want to sell something
slightly unusual/weird on eBay?
You know, I think that the unusual or weird stuff speaks for itself. Now, I’m no marketing wizard, but my advice is this: Just take something ordinary and try to make it shine. Think outside the box. (Or inside the dress.)
Larry can be emailed at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
|
| February 14, 2005 |
|
Happy Valentine’s Day kids!
Some people think I am just bitter toward love and marriage especially on this day designated for romance the commercial world over. This is not so. I am just bitter toward MY romantic entanglements.
Now, although I am a firm believer in live and let live, please tell me who the hell in their right frame of mind would ever want to get married at Dunkin Donuts?
Apparently, Dunkin Donuts sponsored a contest where the winners would actually get married at Dunkin Donuts. (See http://www.iwantmyweddingatdunkindonuts.com/)
Is this not the most absurd ad campaign you ever saw? If you ask me, Dunkin Donuts would be the reason most marriages break up. It’s not exactly a breeding ground for the svelte.
Take a gander at the New York winners and tell me if you think they look like they need a few more dozen Bavarian Cremes. I guess this is going to start at whole new wedding fad – FATRIMONY.
Now, from the Better-Late-Than-Never department, here are a couple of pix from Halloween past.
Two photos of my favorite things: One is a guy dressed like me, and one is a naked chick (sort of).
To answer the inquiries about my book: I am still diligently working on it, with first draft to be finished and edited in a few weeks (I hope).
Some people want to know the title, so I’ll tell you next time. (Gee, ain’t I a stinker?)
Later for you!
~Larry
|
| January 1, 2005 |
|
Hi All!
First let me say Happy Freaking New Year! I want to wish the best to everyone that has taken the time to view the auction that started it all, email me, and visit this site.
I received a few emails asking me why I was arrested by the military during my recent trip to Iraq. (See photo)
I only have this to say – It’s the right wing extremists that are looking to besmirch my good name! It was just a rehearsal of a reenactment of the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction and somebody took a photo and is now selling it on eBay to try and make some money off of me. Well let me tell you something – if I can’t make any money off of me, what makes you think you will?
Heather H. sent me an email giving a different gender version of the tech support letter posted earlier. Again, the author is unknown.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that have had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 6.1 and NBA 3.0. Now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housekeeping 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail.
What can I do? Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.6. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.1 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly, WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck, Tech Support
That’s all for now kids. I’ll be back in a bit with more.
~Larry
|
| November 19, 2004 |
|
Hi Gang,
If you happen to be flying Alaska Airlines anytime this month, check me out in the Alaska Airlines Magazine. Eric Lucas wrote a great piece about the web. Thanks for that, Eric.
Here are six things I just happen to think about while working my 9-fiver. By the way, I’m in the running for Employee-of-the-Month.
Observations and Ponderables
1. Why don’t televised football games show the helmet-shell game or the primary color car race game on TV? The fans at the stadium go crazy for that crap on the Jumbotron and frankly, I would rather see that than Joe Theismann fix his hair.
2. When women stand with one or both of their hands on their hips, e.g. while brushing their teeth or looking at you scornfully, they invariably will stand with their thumbs pointed to the front. When men stand with their hands on their hips they do it with their thumbs pointed to the back. This would be the way to tell if the chick you are eying is really a man without having to go through some emotionally scarring agony.
3. Fat white males should NOT wear khaki pants (fat black males can wear anything and it looks great on ‘em), especially if they tuck in their respective pastel colored golf shirt. Who the hell thought that this sort of dress code looks good? What’s more slovenly, a fat white guy with the crotch of their khakis around their knees or a fat white guy in jeans and biker boots? Ahem.
4. At what point in a person’s life is it deemed ok to go out in public in stretchy pants when you have the AIF syndrome? AIF, for the uninitiated, is short for “Ass In Front.” These are the same people who, when they lose 20 pounds, can find the soap and last month’s popcorn. And maybe even some loose change stuffed between the cushions.
5. When American companies outsource with incoming foreigners, the bathroom, break room and kitchen area will most assuredly take on a different, uh, odor.
6. When American companies outsource their customer service departments to foreign countries it diverts the khaki-wearing fat white American male from focusing on their technical/computer problem to focusing on the language barrier. This, in turn, makes the khaki-wearing fat white American male smash his technical gadget with a tire iron and go out and buy something else to take its place, thus perpetuating revenue and increasing the GNP. This sort of thinking is called Larrynomics.
Remember to sign the guestbook and email me if you like.
horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
Have a great Thanksgiving!
~Larry
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| November 2, 2004 |
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Hey Everybody –
Here is something my friend Mary sent me and I thought I would share. I wish I could take credit for it but I can’t. I don’t know who the author is, so if anyone knows just drop me an email
horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com and I’ll give him/her credit. Awesome.
Don’t forget to send me your pix of Halloween! Nude ones are OK, too, but only if you’re a chick. (Yeah, just what I need, a photo of a naked witch. Like I didn’t see that for the length of my marriage.)
~Larry
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem about which men are complaining. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child-Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstance, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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| October 21, 2004 |
Hello All,
Halloween is fast approaching us.
Costume parties will run rampant on the last weekend of October, and I gotta tell you I am looking forward to it.
I am always open to suggestions for costume ideas. Please don’t send me an email
saying, “Why don’t you go as is?” I got enough of that growing up.
My buddy called and asked to borrow the dress for Halloween. I thought what a terrific
idea! He has a bandana, a black t-shirt, will put white make-up on his face and go as
Wedding Dress Guy! I didn’t realize I was a parody of myself. Hmm. Seems a bit
Freudian, if ya ask me.
Anyway, if someone wants to do the same thing I think it would be fun if you would
email pictures of yourself as Wedding Dress Guy to
horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
and I’ll have the idiot webmaster post it on the site.
I’ll be back soon with more. See ya!
~Larry
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| October 5, 2004 |
Hi Everyone,
The Buzzcuts just finished a show this past weekend in Snohomish, Washington. Unbeknownst to me, some dear friends set up the place with balloons and gave noisemakers to all the patrons while I was suspiciously whisked away in between sets. I came back to a huge birthday cake and some god-awful singing. I may make an idiot of myself on stage and in the media, but I have to say for once I was really embarrassed. And deeply touched. From my old friends to my new ones and everyone in between, I want to say thank you from the heart of my bottom.
I still receive emails from a lot of women (and sometimes men) asking me to have sex with them. This really blows me away. Like I would ever do such a thing again. How the hell do you think I got the dress in the first place?
Chicks sure are strange. There was this one woman from Texas that said, “If you ever come to Texas, look me up and I’ll give you oral. And if yer junk ain’t too skanky, I’ll swaller!” EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWEEEEE!!!!! I had to put on a rubber glove just to delete the email.
Now, before I get all those Texans beating me up with emails – I have to hand it to Texan men. Those guys are the only guys I know that when they sign a marriage license they brag about drilling rights. If a Yankee did that, she’d plug up the well.
People also keep asking me to sell more crap from my ex-wife on eBay. Do you think people would by a restraining order? Or a half used tube of Gyne-Lotrimin?
Email me if you want. I need more things to complain about.
horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
~Larry
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| September 10, 2004 |
Hi Everyone,
I hope you like the new look of the website. I think it’s pretty cool. Looks more professional, doesn’t it?
Whereas the old site was haphazard and crazy (like my ex), the new one is more flowing and cleaner. (Like my intestines after I ate my ex-wife’s cooking. Boy, I sure don’t miss those days.)
A lot of people ask me what it’s like to see yourself on TV. Well, I remember signing into a motel at one of my band’s gigs, and seeing myself on the news in the TV in the lobby. It was then I realized two things:
1. Don’t wear white on TV.
2. I look like that moron kid on that American Chopper show.
So, when they took me to Atlanta for my standup comedy debut, I was pleased to find out I was getting a makeover. Lord knows I needed it. They cut and plucked and primped and powdered me. I felt like a… well, I felt like a bride on her wedding day.
When all the dust settled, I was pleased to find out that I didn’t look like that kid anymore. Instead, I looked like a fat David Spade.
Another question I get asked is what is the best thing that happened out of all of this?
I have to say that, although giving Al Roker a hug on national television, meeting Jamie Farr, and having Time.com say it was the funniest eBay ad ever were definitely highlights, the best thing has to be all the pictures of naked fat chicks in my email. Thanks everybody.
See ya soon,
~Larry
If anyone has any suggestions as to what they want to see on the site please email me at horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com
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| August 5, 2004: Singapore Interview |
Hi Everyone,
People have been asking how to get in touch with me. I thought I was pretty accessible, but apparently I was wrong.
If you want to talk with me just drop me an email: horseplaypublishing@hotmail.com. It's that easy.
Although it may take some time for me to reply to you, I do read every one and will get to yours.
I had a great time chatting with my new friends, Lin, Golfi, and Mrswhoody in the UK on eBay. Those girls were a hoot.
Here is an interview I did with a college newspaper in Singapore. Yep, Singapore, of all places.
This eBay ad got around more than my ex-wife in high school. Anyway, here is the interview:
Chen Xinyi: What gave you the idea to do the eBay auction? You have to
admit, it was pretty insane, modeling it for the world to see!
Larry: I didn't go into this with the idea "the world" would see anything. I did
it because I thought it was funny, and I needed a twist to make my auction
stand out from the rest.
Chen Xinyi: We all want to know, where's the dress now?
Larry: Scrunched up in an REI backpack on the floor of my bedroom. Veil and all.
Chen Xinyi: I heard quite a number of women proposed marriage...how do you
feel about the reaction (especially from the ladies) your auction
garnered?
Larry: These are the same women that wouldn't give me the time of day two months
ago. Most of them are bigger than a size 12, though. Some of them sent me
naked pictures and I swear there was one that was growing mushrooms in her
armpits. Hmmm, maybe if she got rid of some of the mushrooms... All
kidding aside, I think it's a riot. It's also pretty cool to talk to people
all over the world. This is something I would never have had the chance to
do.
Chen Xinyi: You're a celebrity of sorts now, having been on CNBC, The Today
Show and various newspapers, how has fame treated you?
Larry: So far so good. I am in a band and I am a songwriter, so being in the
spotlight isn't really new to me. It's just that now it's on a bigger
scale. I ain't gettin' money but it sure is fun!
Chen Xinyi: So, you've got a band, The Buzzcuts. What's ironic is that you
guys DON'T have buzzcuts. What's up with the name then?
Larry: Oh, but we do! You just can't see it.
Chen Xinyi: How would you describe your band?
Larry: We have been together for close to eight years. That is longer than any
chick I have been with. We get along, have a common bond and just love each
other like family. As far as the music goes, we are just a simple melodic
rock band with roots based in Blues and The British Invasion.
Chen Xinyi: I noticed your lyrics all revolve around relationships (or the
lack thereof). Inspiration?
Larry: This may be true of a lot of artists, but when I write it is much more
flowing from the depth of my persona if I am sad because of a relationship
rather than if I am happy. My buddy said once, "I wish she would just dump
your ass so you would write something decent for a change."
Chen Xinyi: Back to the dress: It's made you famous, almost sort of a
twisted version of the Bill Clinton saga. Did you expect this kind
of reaction when you did it? I mean, people were linking friends to
your auction page!
Larry: I was hoping to make a few friends laugh a little from it. I remember
telling my bassist, Stu, that I was going to put up a funny eBay ad, and he
said, "Oh, cool. But, um, you don't have anything to sell." Everyone's a
comedian.
Chen Xinyi: Some say it's just a publicity stunt. Just to set the record
straight, why did you do it? Would you do it again?
Larry: It was definitely not a publicity stunt. How could I have calculated that
this would get the most hits ever? And I certainly didn't do it for the
chicks. Would I do it again? HELL YEAH!
Chen Xinyi: All right, last question: If Victoria's Secret asked you to do
a runway version of what you did, would you?
Larry: You better believe it! Hang out backstage with all those hotties and help
them get dressed? Excuse me, but I don't know any man that wouldn't!
Later 'bayers,
~Larry
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| July 9, 2004 |
Hello Everyone!
Now that both the ad and the holiday are behind us, I just want to thank Bidadoo for making it possible for me to attend eBay Live in New Orleans. It gave me a chance to meet some of the people that sent me all those warm wishes and thank-you emails for my original listing. It was a truly amazing experience. I walked in the convention center with the dress on and people came swarming with cameras. You'd think I just landed the Space Shuttle.
This whole dress thing has given me the opportunity to meet and speak with people I would never have had the opportunity to meet before. Everyone was so nice; people from all over the world giving me thanks and telling me how I made their day. I just want to say that whatever happens for me in the future, I will always cherish these past three months and know it would never have happened if each one of you didn't tell someone else about it. Ever see the movie Pay It Forward?
For the record, I didn't want to sell the dress, as I still need it for appearances for future projects that won't materialize until late this year or the beginning of next year. But if it had to sell, then other people should benefit from the sale as well.
I have two book projects, new music, and entertainment vehicles all in the works. And rest assured, they will all be light-hearted and fun.
Thank you eBay, New Orleans, Bidadoo, and all of you!
~Larry
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| June 22, 2004 |
Hey kids!
I was awakened at three o'clock this morning by a phone call. Sleepily, I grasped the phone and cleared my throat. "Hello?"
"We made it!"
"You're kidding?"
"Nope! We made it!"
"Wow. That's something. We made it, huh?"
"Yup. We can take off the button, now."
"Take off the button?"
"Yup. Gone!"
"We made it and we can remove the button," I slowly repeated. I thought about it for a second and I couldn't remember any recent encounter that included post-coital female mutilation. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Who the hell is this?"
"The webmaster, idiot."
"You mean the Idiot Webmaster?" (It sounded a lot funnier at 3 a.m.)
"We got enough donations to make the site self-sustaining for a year. Cool, huh?"
"That rocks!" I smiled.
I feel like Jerry Lewis on Labor Day! (And just as fat.)
That is totally awesome! Thanks everybody! From the heart of my bottom!
I just want to add that book projects are still in the works. I will keep you updated when the powers that be let me talk more about it. Anyway, please keep checking back here.
Thanks again for all your support.
Ciao for now,
~Larry
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| June 15, 2004 |
Hi All,
I want to let you know that TechTV's "Unscrewed" will be aired Monday, June 21st at 8:30 pm. Check your local listings really well, 'cause I have never even heard of it before.
For the longest time, this friend of mine wanted to get a tattoo, but he could never decide what he wanted. He finally decided he was going to get the Lord's Prayer in ancient Greek (he is of Greek descent) tattooed on his back.
"That sounds really cool," I said. "I would like to see it. Email it to me."
So, I opened the email.
"It looks like spam."
I think he got offended.
I got an email from a woman that said, "Curious, are you a horse person? Or just horseplay?" Well, seeing that marriage has turned me into a gelding, that would make me a horse person that is not fun at parties. (I bet you thought I would be dissin' the ex's weight problem here, huh? Nope, not here. Read the next one.)
Another woman said that maybe if I stayed out of the bars, she wouldn't be an ex-wife. I say, if she ordered a tall non-fat latte instead of the Venti white-chocolate mocha breve and the buttered scone every damn morning, then she wouldn't have an ex-husband. You know, getting towards the end there, she didn't need a tailor; she needed a contractor.
And there's the woman that said, "You're one to talk about fat. There you are with your flabby arms..." My rebuttal: First of all, the only thing on me that's not flabby are my arms. Yes, even my head is fat. Second, just because I'm fat doesn't mean I want my wife to be fat. Do you follow my logic? If you have a mustache and a hairy back, do you want your husband to have those as well? I rest my case.
Later psychos!
~Larry
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| June 7, 2004 |
Hi All,
It is raining here in Seattle. Big surprise. The humidity is 80 percent. Now, here is dictionary.com's definition of humidity:
Hu*mid"i*ty\, n. [Cf. F. humidit['e].] Moisture; dampness; a moderate degree of wetness, which is perceptible to the eye or touch; -- used especially of the atmosphere, or of anything which has absorbed moisture from the atmosphere, as clothing.
So tell me how can we have 80 percent humidity when it is raining? Shouldn't it be 100? Hmmm, unless 100 percent humidity is the freaking lake itself. I guess I'll never know. Oh well. I was never any good at fizzicks.
I heard the traffic guy say on the radio as I was driving into work, (well, I didn't actually drive INTO work, although I thought about that a few times.); "We are following a disabled vehicle on I-5... He is stopped in the left hand lane..." Again, I know nothing about the space-time continuum, but will somebody please tell me how the hell that is possible? Ain't getting very far in that chopper now are ya, buddy?
I just want to tell you about my trip to L.A. I did the Wild Weddings filming and I have to say it was a blast. They are in the process of editing it and I just hope it comes off as funny as I thought it was. Those guys were a lot of fun to work with. (See the photos in the Latest News link). I will let you know the airdate as soon as I do.
As I was walking around Citywalk in Burbank, I came upon a restaurant called Pit-Fire. I noticed that the logo looked very familiar. Then it dawned on me. It was designed by my good friend Stu Gordon. He also happens to be the bassist for The Buzzcuts. Speaking of The Buzzcuts...
The Buzzcuts played this past weekend and I have to say there was a really good crowd. There were a few guys from Australia there. We had one Aussie sit in to play drums. He was small in stature, yet he had a big ego. His name was Roi. Or maybe it was Ray. Or maybe it was Rie. Couldn't understand a freakin' word he said. I never did get through Mad Max. I don't really think he was playing the same song the rest of the band was. I wasn't sure if it was a language problem, a cultural problem, or a Jack Daniels problem. I felt like saying, "Will someone please throw this shrimp on the barbie?"
Getting back to my emails, I got one from someone saying that her mother gave her the eBay ad and they thought it was funny, save for the fact that her mother had to explain some of the jokes. OK, lady, you are either nine years old or you wear a helmet.
Someone said that the death row joke wasn't funny. "My best friend is doing time on death row and it's not something to joke about." My reply to you - PICK BETTER FRIENDS!
Later, peeps!
~Larry~
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| May 24, 2004 |
Hi All,
I just want to touch base with you - ah crap! I hate that corporate lingo! Don't you?
"Let's see if we're all on the same page."
"You'll be my point of contact."
"I'll put that as an action item."
"I'm not sure if that is within the scope of our agenda."
"We'll just sort out these high-level scenarios."
"I put in a meeting request for the Nugget Room."
Can't people speak normally anymore? I got sucked into that way of speaking and try as I might; the Corporate Lingo Speech Pattern rears its ugly head. "I just want to touch base with you." Ugh! I can't believe I said that. I just want to stick my tongue in the CD-Rom Drive door.
Anyway, I just want to let you know what's been going on. I just got back from San Francisco where I was on the show "Unscrewed with Martin Sargent." That alone should have raised a red flag. A guy in a wedding dress in San Francisco on a show called "Unscrewed". Sounded very dangerous. But, it came off without a hitch. (I hear the groans on that one.) Everyone there was very nice. Great show, with funny (read weird) guests. They had these women that were dressed in black and white striped tights giving a lap dance to Martin while his very attractive co-host looked on. Leno never got that on the tonight show. Cable rocks!
I am also still going through my emails - 4000 left or so. Here are a few of the emails I have received and my replies:
-"Thanks for being you, I really appreciate it and just wanted to let you know."
Uh... you're entirely welcome for me being me. And thanks for not being me, too. Only you not being me would understand.
-"I would like to retract my bid for the treadmill. I actually received one today as a birthday present from my husband. I'm sorry for the inconvenience."
If you mean the treadmill of marriage, then ok, it's retracted. That would be called an annulment. Otherwise, you need to figure out where the hell you bid in your drunken stupor 'cuz I ain't selling a freakin' treadmill. (By the way, I think treadmills make the most expensive clothes hampers. But, I guess if you got it, flaunt it.)
-"Me PC just told me it should be deaf... it didn't like the sound me made when me tried to giggle. It is good though for PCs if their owners can smile in style. It improves their screening of their owners! One day they may say 'You're welcome!'"
From your writing, me PC told me, you should be visiting Chuck E. Cheese.
-"Your "friend", who's a member of "hystersisters.com", put a link to your wedding dress on e-bay for anyone who wanted a laugh. Thanks for making my day - you're great!"
Hystersisters? Would that be as in 'ical' or 'ectomy'? I suppose if you had the latter you would be the former, huh? Hey, have you checked out that male chauvinist uterine myoma site: fibroads.net? It has the forum "Bladder Patter", just dribbling with little tidbits.
-"OMG! You are hilarious! I would love to meet you!"
Thanks. Would love to meet you, too. Send photo and plane fare. I'll be the one with the carnation in my bustle.
This week I go to Los Angeles to shoot TLC's Wild Weddings. Wonder what that'll be about. I'll let you know.
Later, kids!
~Larry~
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| May 19, 2004 |
Hi All,
This is just a little something about me. Some people are calling me an uneducated biker dude when in reality I am just a motorcycle enthusiast that dropped out of college.
I have gotten over 6000 emails asking me to write a book. I want to let you know that a couple of projects are in the works. All we need now is a literary agent/publisher - so if you know any, let me know.
There are so many other emails I have gotten, no - not the male enhancement ones - that were very poignant and touching. Like the mom who hasn’t had a good relationship with her son and my email was the bridge that allowed them to laugh together for the first time in months. Or the guy that was diagnosed with a hormonal disorder that gave me kudos for making his day. There are others from military wives in the US that miss their husbands in Kuwait or Iraq and I gave them the first laugh they've had in a long time. So many people have been so supportive and encouraging, and for that I thank you. This is the very reason why I am doing this.
For all my detractors and naysayers, I am sorry you think I am done, or had my day in the sun, or am not funny or ugly or whatever - as long as I get at least one email from someone that says I gave them a chuckle for the day then I will take any criticism you may throw.
There is so much more to life than the horrible things we read about every day. We are the luckiest people in the world to live in a country where an average guy can tickle so many funny bones. Try and make the best of what you got, 'cuz you only go around once. And try not to take me too seriously. I sure don't.
Keep on laughing!
~Larry~
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